Yuck, Don’t Do That!
10 Annoying Subway No-No’s that Must END!
1.) POKERS and PERVS
Free Feelers – It’s bad enough that the train is cramped to capacity, and that we’re closer than club kids on E-pills at a Rave Party, but must I be poked and groped by mystery pervs too? Let’s not pretend that there is absolutely no other direction for your pants to turn. And let’s not pretend that there’s a banana in there either! Sometimes I get train crowd paranoia only to find out that it truly is a corner of a bag or little lady’s umbrella getting frisky with me.
2.) SNEEZE POLES
GERMS – Before you say ‘HA-chuu’, kindly remove your germy, cooties-ridden, fingers from the communal pole that everyone has to share. And after you’re done blowing out an avalanche of germs, don’t even think about grabbing a hold of the pole again! If you lose your balance and feel like you’re going to fall – Be a sport and take one for the team!
…And Miss, please keep your runny nosed children from wiping their germs on the window!
Secret Camera Pic Flickers – I see you, and I’m watching you, as you watch your phone and suspiciously look around. But my question to you is: Why are you raising your phone higher and higher? (If you cannot see what you’re reading, lying flat on your lap, raising it up to read at eye level only proves that your eyes aren’t equipped for that type of technology period.) “Oh wait… is that a little red light I see? You’re so creepy!”
(BOOM-BOX HEADPHONES) – I’m glad that you have the luxury of partying your eardrums into smithereens for the discounted rate of $2.50 cent entry fee to the subway cart you’re rolling in but uh… news check… everyone didn’t sign up for the Party Bus, errr Train, that you’re riding, and everyone does not want to hear “shoot ‘em up, bang, bang, lyrics” at 7 o’clock in the morning.
STINKIN’ UP THE JOINT FOOD SMELLS – I’m probably one of the greediest people you’ll ever meet when it comes to food. I enjoy the aroma of heaven-like food smells that promises my nose to be a party-in-my-mouth. What I dislike are smells that I cannot seem to place no matter how hard I try. I’m no stickler, like your dear friend, Bloomberg, and I could care less if you enjoy your meal in motion because sometimes… that’s just the way it is – but if you’re food causes you to offend, CUT IT OFF! (A little biblical humor). If your fresh food smells like you’ve picked it from a public corner dump pail, 2 days past expiration, the subway trains probably wouldn’t be the safest place to debut your smells to the world. Everything that tastes good doesn’t always smell good!
LENGTHY BEGGING SPEECHES THAT NEED VIOLINS – This is New Yawk, where everything is fast-paced, and people don’t like their precious thinking/reading time to be interrupted. If you want something, ask for it, but do it quickly. No one wants to feel scammed even if you are a con artist. We’d all like to believe that we’re truly giving from the bottom of our hearts, and not because you’re giving an Oscar-worthy performance for a buck:
“Ladies and Gentleman, I’m really sorry to disturb you. I am not a singer, I do not have a basketball team, I am a man, (Violins start) who just like you, am just trying to feed myself and my family… (Cellist joins in) and then one day, I found myself in a position that I hope you all will never have to face (the orchestra plays on…)
Just ask for a dollar and call it a day!
7.) CREEPY Flirters
HELLOS THAT RUB YOU THE WRONG WAY – I’m not paranoid when creepy flirty guys leans into my space and whispers in my ear… “I like your toes!”, and then smiles and finishes with, “you made my day!” Somebody… Anybody… Get me some Bleach! (I feel so dirty and alone…)
8.) TANTRUM Tykes
CRYING CRITTERS WE CALL KIDS – I have mixed feelings about this one. I do not believe your children should have the rule over you. I do not believe that you should give in to their random tantrums when they want their way. But I also believe in @ss-whoopings that are nowadays frowned upon in public places. There are steps that need to be taken before boarding a train or walking into a supermarket and most of the steps include Putting the Fear of God (by the look of your face) into your children. If your children do not fear you and you cannot control their public outburst, you can: 1.) Bring on the snacks, 2.) Unstrap the stroller and allow them to stand and view , 3.) Get off of the train and work it out while you wait for the next one!!! (Again… Take one for the team!!!)
Sweaty Palms and Under Arms – It happens sometimes, you think you’ve done a check of everything while fleeing out of the door to beat the clock, but you forget that white, creamy, under armor, affectionately called: Deodorant. It happens, don’t beat yourself up. But don’t get comfortable enough to raise your hands like you’re SURE when you are in fact a little insecure. You’re unleashing the dragon on everyone and pretending that you don’t know it’s you that cut the mustard. If you can smell it, we can smell it!
10.) SEAT HOGGERS –
1 PERSON, 2 SEATS – Umm, excuse me… Did your bags pay for that seat? I don’t mind if you utilize the seats to house your bags but when you notice that the trains are filling up and that available seats are limiting… That’s your hint! Remove your bag. Put it on your lap, put it on the floor… or heck- place it on your head for all I care, but MOVE IT!!!
What are some of the Subway No-No’s that annoy you?